The Best of ASIS: The Doctor is In

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

THIS POST….120 comments deep. Im not sure how many of those were from the voices in her head. Either way, she is a Port City originial and an ASIS legend…the doctor will see you now.

Dr. Quels…holding steady in that holistic game

A link showed up in the ASIS inbox over the weekend and, frankly, theres no real way to introduce this other than to just throw it out there for consumption and ridicule. Behold the Multiplicity Holistic Therapy Center and its seemingly over-educated proprietor, Dr. Roquel Williams (AKA Dr. Quels…and yes, she speaks Spanish). The good “doctor” specializes in some sort of psychological and spiritual evaluation that would make even the most devout Scientologist a little uneasy (good news, she’s also fully qualified to have you committed to a mental institution). The most intriguing aspect of the whole crazy train is Dr. Quels bio and credentials. Indulge me as I run through them (and add comments full of snark in red).

Dr. Roquel A. Williams is a prophet and was born in Shreveport, LA. I just figured those Wise Men were in town for the Charlie Daniels concert. She graduated from Captain Shreve High School in 1991. Where all prophets graduate from. From there, she continued to further her education while working full-time. She currently resides in Shreveport, LA. in Caddo Parish. She is a 5th degree black belt Martial Artist. So basically she’s David Caradine, except for that hanging dead in a closet from autoerotic asphyxiation stuff.

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The Best of ASIS: A Dance for the Weekend

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

Hands down the most oft submitted video to the ASIS inbox.  Now the Berney has swept to the far corners of the universe, but I like to think that the genesis of it all began here.

ASIS endorses any local dance craze that incorporates an homage to “Weekend at Bernie’s”…”Weekend at Bernie’s 2″, not so much.

[As Seen on YouTube by Jeremy]

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The Best of ASIS: AmHAIRica

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

In the Port City you can kill two birds with one stone, gettin’ your hair did and givin’ a shout out to America all in one sitting. Holla!

This is why the terrorists will never win.

Our forefathers are throwing dueces right back atcha, girl.

[As Seen at Kohls on Youree by Elizabeth, Amanda, and Katie]

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The Best of ASIS: The Casino Vomitorium

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

Nothing else really to be said. This guy likes to party…and possibly had corn for dinner.

Patrying. This guy does it harder than you do.

[As Seen at the El Dorado by Caroline]

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The Best of ASIS: Video of the Greatest Thing Ever

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

This bar, for some reason, was not a financial success, and thuswas shut down…which is odd because nothing puts butts in seats quite like a break-dancing midget.

At last! The call has been answered. You wanted video of the breakdancing midget at Fat Daddy’s. You needed video of the breakdancing midget at Fat Daddy’s. And behold its majestic greatness in all of its askew and dimly lit glory. The little man breaks it off something proper…or whatever it is the kids say these days.

Ruiner of family portraits…late night bar entertainment.

More electric boogaloo after the jump…

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The Best of ASIS: A Tasteful Display of Yuletide Cheer

Posted on December 23, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

Merry Christmas from ASIS, and from our neighbor who doesn’t quite know when enough is enough.

This was completely within decorating limits until you broke out the large ball ornaments for the tree…thats just tacky.

[As Seen on Rutherford by Turkeybutt]

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The Best of ASIS: Food Stamp Lobster

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

Not much else to say. You can buy lobster, with food stamps. Ghetto fancy done come up.

There’s alot of jokes to be made here, something about the ridiculousness of spending food stamps on shrink wrapped lobster, or perhaps a modest inquiry as the whether there was a nice food stamp t-bone and chardonnay available to complete the surf and turf fare…but lets just revel in the fact that yes, in Shreveport, you can buy Lobster with food stamps.  That, my friends, is pretty gosh damn fancy.

[As Seen in Brookshires by Michael]

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The Best of ASIS: Where We’re From

Posted on December 21, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

If ever there was an originally scored anthem that would introduce the world to the virtues of the Port City while staying humble and grounded just in case “the game” were to see fit to change one’s lifestyle, it would be this one…And such a message is brought to you by a man in a tank top, riding around downtown in a rented limo who, at about the 1:43 mark of the song boasts about the exploits of peeing on his fellow playmates as a young child. 

Finally, a theme song for ASIS…brought to you through the interpretive musical stylings of a middle aged man in a tank top riding around town in a rented Hummazine.

[As Seen on YoutTube by Maha]

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The Best of ASIS: Just Another Day at the Highland Circle K

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

There are places in this grand city of ours where you are almost always guaranteed a display of Port Ciy-ness on such a grandeous level that it needs to be seen to actually be believed.  One of those such placesis the Circle K at Highland.  You may call the below events disturbing, the Circle K on Highland calls it Tuesday.

Scene: A group of patrons stand in line at a local convenience store on a delightfully sunny January afternoon. One of the patrons, clearly finding himself overserved at that midday hour, begins to talk to his fellow line occupants in slurred tones. Some of the patrons become annoyed, particularly one young woman who obviously just wants to buy her cigarettes and leave. She begins to discuss the gentleman’s behavior with him. Hilarity ensues. WARNING: NSFW (language, keeping it real)

….and Scene.

[As Seen on Highland and Olive St. by Steven...who deserves an Oscar nomination for cinematography for capturing this, well done sir]

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The Best of ASIS: Best.Mugshot.Ever.

Posted on December 19, 2011 by Bunkie Perkins

This photo marked the genesis of what came to be known on the site as the recurring “Mean Muggin’” feature where I scoured the daily arrest records for hidden mugshot gems.  As you can see, we started out strong to quite strongly.

From the Caddo Correctional Center Bookings List…obviously, this woman* was taken into custody because her level of awesomeness cannot be allowed to roam the streets unchecked.

*Term used loosely

[As Seen in the Shreveport Times by Tricky and Brad]

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